/Big Mouth/ Who’s the daddy?
24/09/2008 | Filed under Discover > Big Mouth
When Internet Dad makes decisions on your behalf, he has only the best intentions. But it’s still, like, totally unfair
When I was little, my dad used to stop me doing perfectly reasonable things, such as chewing on electrical cables, licking power sockets, starting fires or taunting rottweilers. He was good at it too. Once, in a supermarket, he bellowed “put that down!” and every single shopper put their stuff back on the shelves. Now, though, I’m a grown-up with a child of my own, old enough and wise enough to make my own choices. So why are you so keen on being my dad?
By “you”, I mean certain web designers. The ones who know what’s best for me and who helpfully guide me to the right choice, even if that’s not my choice. The designers who’ve appointed themselves Internet Dad.
Internet Dad knows what I want. He knows that when I try to access the iPhone-optimised version of Google.com, I really want the crappy mobile UK site. So no matter which URLs I try, I always end up at the version Internet Dad wants me to have. It’s the same with Facebook and Yell.com. No matter how many times I bookmark iphone.facebook.com, the links in my email notifications take me to the stripped-down, utterly rubbish Facebook mobile; no matter how hard I try to get the full-fat Yell.com, I’m redirected to the lo-fi mobile version. Internet Dad doesn’t care that I’m on a fast Wi-Fi connection and therefore don’t give a toss about data charges. Internet Dad isn’t impressed by the fully featured version of Safari I’m packing. Internet Dad knows best.
Pushy parenting
Quite frankly, I’d like to bludgeon Internet Dad in his bed – particularly since I’ve started using the beta of Firefox 3, which is absolutely wonderful. Unfortunately, Internet Dad has a job at my bank, and when I have the temerity to try online banking I’m given a metaphorical slap on the arse. “But all the cool kids are using Firefox 3!” I’ll bleat. “It’s so unfair!” Internet Dad is unimpressed.
Fair enough, I don’t actually have any money in my bank account, so I’m not missing much, but it’s the principle of the thing. Internet Dad won’t let me use the browser of my choice, but he will let me use Safari. However, my copy of Safari is borked, and I can’t be bothered reinstalling the entire operating system just so that I can see how broke I am. I’d try the iPhone, but Internet Dad’s layout skills mean about six hours of scrolling just to enter my secret PIN. I feel as though Internet Dad’s cut off my pocket money because I came home pissed.
Like most dads, Internet Dad has the very best intentions. He wants me to have the best possible browsing experience, the most accurate search results and the fastest, and most secure, connection. I know all that, the same way I knew as a teenager that my dad only wanted to stop me from getting arrested, getting stabbed or getting hitched to a stripper. I felt suffocated by that then and I feel suffocated now.
Gary was writing for .net in the Stone Age. He’s a journo and software expert. www.bigmouthstrikesagain.com
