Top of the bots, part 2
20/08/2008
If you could own a fictional robot, which would it be, and why?
Tech expert
Patrick Van Kann
Fortune Cookie
A quick survey of modern robots reveals a disappointing lack of progress in achieving even the most basic goals of sensible robotics, such as artificial intelligence and laser-gun eyes. Sure, today’s robots can assemble Toyotas. Some can recognise numbers or even nearly climb a staircase. But robots should be awesome machines capable of superhuman feats of strength and intelligence.
A search for fictional robots on Wikipedia reveals 185 entries. Confronted with this overwhelming cornucopia of imaginary droids, I felt the need for a kind of Linnean taxonomy to classify robots into manageable categories. My initial, naïve attempt identified just three categories.
1) Robots that look like robots (like R2-D2)
2) Robots that look like people (like the T101 in Terminator)
3) Robots that look like people that look like robots.
My next attempt categorises robots by what they can offer to a potential owner:
1) Walking Encyclopaedias: This category would include Data from Star Trek (Next Generation) and C3PO from Star Wars. Characterised by indefatigable logic or an encyclopaedic knowledge of one or many topics, these robots would seem on the surface to be quite useful. On the downside, they’re easily confused by this thing you humans call “love”. Plus, no one likes a smart-arse.
2) Unstoppable Assassins. Like the T800 and all the other Terminator franchise killer-bots, these babies absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead … rather like the Terminator franchise itself. On the whole, probably not suitable for most people except those who choose to own dangerous dogs or 4x4s.
3) Faithful Factotums: Like Kryten in Red Dwarf and Sonny in I, Robot, these robots are programmed to serve humanity and perform menial tasks that we can’t be bothered with. Because this sucks badly, their creators generally program them to ensure that they don’t rise up in rebellion against their human masters. This sounds ideal, but bear in mind that the non-killing directive frequently gets overridden and you end up with a Category 2 Unstoppable Assassin type robot instead.
4) Comedic Devices: Like R2-D2 or Five from Short Circuit, these robots don’t seem to serve any practical purpose other than to look funny and make irritating noises. Like the films in which they appear, they’re generally quite annoying and best avoided.
5) Pleasure Droids: This final category speaks volumes about the people who dream up fictional robots, ie nerds. It is no coincidence that robots tend to be geniuses, deadly killers, sex-bombs or some unlikely combination thereof. These are the characteristics most probably lacking in their creators. Best in class are Rachel, Pris and Zhora in Bladerunner. Pris (played by Daryl Hannah) is apparently the “standard pleasure model”. The mind boggles at what the GT-I or sports pleasure model would be like – presumably the same basic body but with alloy rims and a socket for your iPod?
All these robots have their uses. But would you really want to be stuck with any of them? After careful consideration, I came up with the perfect solution.
- A robot that wouldn’t make you look stupid with its encyclopaedic knowledge (as long as you avoid the topic of bending)
- A robot that although possibly already mad will probably not kill you and all other humans
- A robot with whom you wouldn’t want to make sweet cyber-whoopy but who appreciates the human virtues of drinking, smoking and gambling
I am of course referring to Bender Bending Rodríguez, designated Bending Unit 22 serial number 2716057 (aka Bender) from Futurama. A robot for all seasons.
Patrick is director of technology at Fortune Cookie
Activist
Oxblood Ruffin
Hactivismo
Reality can be much stranger than fiction so I have to go with artist Michael Slater’s 22-foot Styrobot. The robot was constructed entirely from spare polystyrene packing materials. Mr Slater spent months cutting up the bits and pieces for the Styrobot which will be touring art galleries internationally, along with a swarm of mini-bots. I’m a big fan of the Styrobot because it manages to gently crush what Isaac Asimov referred to as the Frankenstein complex, that is, the fear of robots. Who wouldn’t want to own a Styrobot? It doesn’t do anything but it’s massively cute.
Michael Slater’s Website: http://michaelasalter.com/artwork/299343.html. Video of the installation at the San Diego Art Gallery can be viewed here.
Oxblood Ruffin is the founder of Hacktivismo
Web video guru
Ifron Watkins
Coull
I would love one of the non-psychotic humanoid robots from Will Smith’s movie I, Robot. The three laws governing the robots in the movie (as written by author Isaac Asimov) basically state that these robots have to follow all orders and allow no harm to come to humans.
This would mean that we could use robots to supplement the ever-stretched police force, have them patrol the streets and public transport to help combat the ever-growing violence. During quieter moments, they could pick up any litter (and deal with the litterers) to help keep our streets clean. This would have been incredibly useful during the recent ‘rumble’ in Croydon where the police were mobbed after asking a woman to pick up her rubbish.
Our lives are becoming ever more stretched and our ‘spare time’ is sadly becoming a novelty. You could argue that this is caused by advancements in technology and the pressure of living in an ever-switched-on society – so let’s use technology to improve it. An intelligent humanoid robot could pick up my dry-cleaning, do all the housework and take the garbage out, leaving me more time to de-stress and to enjoy time with the family.
Ifron Watkins is CEO of Coull
Social media and comms expert
Rachel Hawkes
Elemental Communications
My robot would be KITT from Knight Rider, who funnily enough was modelled after the Delorean from Back to the Future.
If I owned KITT, I would happily drive to work every day rather than suffer the London Tube (particularly in the summer). To do my part for the environment, I would have to have KITT installed in a Toyota Prius or another hybrid car – although there are rumours that KITT was capable of doing 200 miles to the gallon, which is impressive.
I would have such fun with KITT’s voice synthesizer – but it could also be incredibly useful (I don’t speak a second language and KITT is fluent in Spanish and French). Personally, a robot like KITT that cannot only accept commands but also interact with me is the way to go. It’s painful enough spending time with a person that has no personality, let alone an inanimate object that’s void of any character.
For Knight Rider fans, there is an official GPS going to market soon that will give you directions from the voice of KITT himself – “Rachel, where would you like to go today?”
Rachel Hawkes is an account director at Elemental
Content specialist
Stuart Dean
Cognifide
I would like to own R2-D2 without question. Among his seeming unending plethora of gadgets to get you out of any sticky situation you may face, Artoo is a genius computer programmer and we could certainly use him around the office to do the fix-it jobs and make sure everyone’s machines are operating as effectively as they should.
With his built in-tools, I could hire him out and earn a bit of cash on the side as an Ikea assembler, and with knife crime skyrocketing in London, his scanners that alert you to danger combined with his anti-gravity boosters to fly us out of a bad situation could be a real life saver – literally! And to top it all off, Artoo also has a built-in projector to watch Princess Leia movies at whim. What more could I want?
Failing getting my hands on the real brave little robot, I may have to get myself one of the R2-D2 model DVD projectors and an account at LOVEFiLM.
Stuart Dean is the chief executive at Cognifide
Hosting expert
David Price
Lycos UK
If I could own a fictional robot it would be Hammerstein from Ro-Busters, and later the good old 2000AD comics. A Mark IV war droid, he was commissioned in the early 21st Century to fight in the Volgan Wars. I always thought he was so cool and he was my hero when I was a kid!
David is UK head of product development at Lycos Web Hosting
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